NaBloPoMo

I signed up for National Blog Posting Month – NaBloPoMo, I think – because it might help me get back to blogging and, by extension, art journaling. I have no illusions that I will actually post every day, however, but they have this every month, so maybe something will click. And, I get to post my link on the NaBloPoMo website, so there’s a (slim) possibility that someone besides me will actually read this.

There are hundreds of blogs listed on their site, which is only a fraction of the bloggers out there in the general blogosphere. I clicked on some of the links. Some of the blogs are interesting, some not. For some reason I seem to always click on the ones that are about faith and daily affirmations, when I would really like to find the ones that are mean, nasty, and sarcastic – like me. Everyone thinks I am so sweet and nice, when at my core there is a block of ice.

I guess I am feeling icy right now because my mom (age 97) is failing on a daily basis and, according to Toasty, I am not facing it. I am in denial. He’s right, to a certain extent, but what I am really feeling is terrified. Watching someone you love fade away bit by bit is frightening. The person who was my mother is mostly gone, and it has happened so fast. It hasn’t been that long since she criticized something I was wearing. Now I’m just glad she recognizes me. She’s almost completely helpless and not eating much. I want my mother back! I want the mother who was brisk and competent and always made a pickled tongue when I came to visit.

It’s also terrifying because I see myself. Man, I do not want to become confused and helpless. I plan to live a long time AND go out on a high note. It can be done. My father, while failing physically, kept most of his wits and even cracked jokes just 2 weeks before he died – right before we put him under the care of hospice and let him slide away on a cloud of morphine. Mom doesn’t seem to be in pain, but that part of her that is still there is so miserable and unhappy. Such mixed emotions…